Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Confessions Of A Crippled Gamer

Last night was hard.

After dinner I had retreated into the bedroom leaving my family to enjoy themselves. The pain was damn near unbearable. Everywhere I went I limped my way there. Like a wounded animal I need some solitude, a black corner to lick my wounds. The plan as always would be to beat the pain with sleep. Most of the time it doesn't work. Pain has been known to keep me up for in excess of 24 hours before the exhaustion caves in on me forcing me to sleep.

As I lay there in hot summer night I felt ripped. A vast tug of war pulled inside of me.

I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to game, to paint, to model. It had been a long time since I had done any of that and I really, really wanted to do it. Problem was my body was recovering from a grocery trip I took with my wife and son. Did you hear that? I'm recovering from a grocery trip? The prolonged walking caused me to lean heavily on my cane which only transfered a bit of my foot pain into a lot of shoulder pain in my right arm. Even playing World of Warcraft in the wake of the outing was uncomfortable.

My back began to throb and stiffen on the bed. My mind was juggling between staying in the darkness or braving the increased pain my hobby activities would bring. What the hell? Years after my injury began I still have a hard time believing just what it cost me. The orders I obeyed carried with them the unknown reward of suffering. Pain in walking, pain in laying down, pain in painting a friggin miniature.

Just as I began to feel sorry for myself in the pitch blackness of my bedroom I was welcomed by a relativity new companion. Numbness began creeping up my thigh. My shoulder joined in concert. I moved around, rubbed my leg, tossed and turned to shake the swarm of numbness that was assaulting me. It only served to increase the pain with a burning that crescendo into a blaze then was snuffed by a rainfall of pins and needles.

I sat up, the gaussy moonlight that beamed through the window casted an eerie haze in the room. My eyes felt heavy, weighted by purple bags that hung beneath them. I wanted so bad to shake off the wanting. Wanting to paint, wanting to game, wanting life to be normal again. Everyone tells me to push through it. Well, what happens when I can't? What happens when this really does get the best of me? What happens when I'm just to damn weakened to fight anymore?

Luckily I fell asleep somewhere within all that torment only to awake to it all again. When I moved to my computer I was met by my homepage which is my blog. I felt even worse. The best part of my blog are the people that follow it and my damn injury keeps me from doing anything worth writing about. I don't want to just disappear, abandoning my blog, my hobby in despondency but really, right now, I don't know how to recover from this.

I guess there is no recovering from this. Just to take it day by day, hoping and knowing some days are better than others.


Karitas said...

Nicely written peice that sparkes some echoes in myself.

I wont tell you I know how you feel, that's impossible.

I will tell you you arent alone.

I wasn't injured, our experiences arent the same. but I have crohn's disease. a part of that is crippling joint pain. sometimes I dont go to the supermarket (that's a british grocery store :)) soemtimes i need to take a day to recover from going.

sometimes I cant paint, or get to freinds houses to game. one day I know I wont be able to paint anymore, my hands will be too messed up to let me.

but you know what, right now I can. so I do, and when it hurts sometimes (only sometimes, mind) being focussed on painting takes me away from that pain. - sure it catches up later, but I get a few hours escapism. as time has gone on I've found different ways to sit to paint that hurt less. (though i probarbly look rediculous :P)

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but to let you know, that for different reasons, there are others of us out here who struggle. but part of stuggle is coping.

here's to coping. :)

Col. Corbane said...

Life has a whole variety of ways to kick you in the nuts, even though I'm not physically injured, the past few months have been hard for me, resulting in a serious depression and some serious changes to my life.

The one thing I've learned is just to take each day one at a time. Do what you can, don't feel pressured to post, we'll be here when you're feeling up for it.

sonsoftaurus said...

Group hug!

May you have more better days, and fewer lousy ones.

Ryan said...

Someone needs to make a "Crippled Gamers Support Group", my wife and I would be lifetime members.

As has been stated, you are not alone.

Gyro said...

Cast my lot in there with the group hug, haha.

Sorry chief, just keep on keepin' on, you know?

Zzzzzz said...

Sounds terrible. I hope that you feel well enough to paint etc again soon.

SC John said...

Man,I hope things get better for you soon.

It sucks when the boring stuff most folks do every day is out of reach.

Don't give up, rest, read if you can, and I hope you will repair.

Santa Cruz Warhammer

Papa JJ said...

I admire the strength of character it takes to confront this everyday. I wish you and your family all the best and hope you can recover soon.

Silar said...

A very well written piece. I'm lucky in that I can't begin to imagine what it is like to be in constant pain. Unable to do your passion or even just do normal crap we all we take for granted.
I wish you and your family all the best in the future and hope you get back to painting soon.

Brent said...

I struggle with pain myself due to a nerve condition which developed after a bad injury. It's actually one of the things I'm going to school for, therapy beyond medicine - that kind of thing.

Good luck, brother - I guess there are more of us than we knew.

T-Bone said...

I'm sorry to hear that man. I hope things get better.

T-Bone said...

BTW, did you see this?